Snippet

[allichaton]

A hand grabbed me from behind, wrapping around my shoulder. I jumped. I dropped my fork and clapped my hands over my mouth, muffling a shriek. My plate rattled and spilled salad across my tray.

I spun around; Shane stood behind me, his eyes wide and brows lifted. He looked like he couldn't decide whether to laugh or apologize.

"Jesus," I muttered, then shook my head. "Sorry about that. I'm a little on edge." That was the understatement of the century.

"So I notice." He set his tray on the table and sat down next to me. Concern shone within his eyes and his aura. "Are you all right?"

"Oh, yeah." I nodded and shoved another forkful of salad into my mouth to shut myself up. If I told him about Cosette's threats, he'd only get bent out of shape. "This whole mess just has me strung a bit tight. Seeing boogey men in all the shadows, you know." I tried to play it light, shrug it off. I didn't want it to turn into a big deal. It already was a big deal, I recognized that, but I was actively pursuing a state of denial.

Shane watched me silently. After several minutes, he reached out and touched my shoulder. I paused, fork halfway to my mouth, and looked at him. His eyes were somber, sad, serious.

"No one expects you to be stoic about this, you know." His lips pursed into a small frown. "No one expects you to be able to go through this, and just be able to shrug it off. It's not business as usual, Reina, and no one expects you to pretend it is."

No one but me. I pressed my lips together and shook my head. "I'm all right, Shane. Really."

He snorted. "I know you better than that, by now. Something's eating you." He cupped my cheek in his palm. I met his gaze; panic clawed at my throat.

This was all wrong. Shane was my boyfriend; I shouldn't be afraid of the simplest of touches from him. But my heart fluttered in my chest, and it sure as hell wasn't breathless anticipation.

"I'm sorry." I turned my face away. I wasn't brave enough to face the hurt I knew I'd see in his eyes. It was bad enough to feel it pounding against me, huge, overwhelming tidal waves of it. He jerked his hand away as if I'd burned him.

"Reina. What the hell is going on?"

Everything. It was everything. Adri and Jordans and Keachan and Greer...gods, it was definitely Greer. And Shane himself, even. I didn't understand any of it. But that seemed to be a theme lately. Something was changing, more than just the world around me. Adri was gone, and her death had spurned within me an avalanche of other changes. Things hadn't settled yet, and I didn't know where I stood. Nor Shane, for that matter.

I whispered, "Nothing." I kept my face turned away. "Shane...I just think I need to be alone right now."

"Right. Well, that's just wonderful." He slammed his glass onto his tray and stood up in a rush. His voice quivered, and it cemented my determination not to look at him. Adri wasn't the only sucker for tears. Call me a wimp, but I would do just about anything to make someone stop crying. "From confidantes to not even speaking in two days flat. That's got to be a record." He started to leave, but stopped only a few strides away. His back faced me; I could see the tension rippling through him. I waited, pensive, as he took several deep breaths. He turned around and faced me. "Reina, I love you."

"I know." And somehow, that made it all worse. I kept my gaze locked on his neck; I didn't want to see the tears on his face. "Shane, don't ask me for anything more than I'm giving right now. I need time to figure this out."

"You need time to decide whether or not to dump me?" Breath hissed between his teeth. I felt his pain like a dagger in my own heart. "Well excuse the hell out of me for making this inconvenient. I don't work that way. I'm not some toy you can set aside and ignore until you've decided what to do with me."

"I know." My voice caught in my throat. Any appetite I may have entertained had disappeared long ago. I picked up my tray and followed Shane to the washroom in the back. "I know this isn't fair, Shane. That doesn't change that it exists. It's a problem that we need to deal with--"

"No." He interrupted me with a hard shake of his head. "No, Reina, that's where you're wrong. It's a problem that you're keeping me completely out of. You're not even giving me the chance to deal with it. You're dictating it." He stalked out of the washroom, and through the lobby. I followed on his heels. Just outside the door, he stopped and spun around.

I nearly slammed into his chest. I stared up at him. That was a mistake; I caught a glimpse of the glimmer of tears, and my heart turned to jell-o. "Gods above." I buried my face in my hands. "Don't do this to me."

"Can you feel this, Reina?" He took a step closer, then another. The ache from him multiplied exponentially with each step. I shook beneath its onslaught. "I can see it within you. I know you can feel the agony you're putting me through. Yet you do it anyway." The noise he made was low, primal, like a wounded animal before the kill. "Why must you torment me so?"

I hissed. The guilt trip was getting old, fast. "Do you think I'm enjoying any of this in my own right?" I growled. "I'd love to be able to share what I'm going through with you. Maybe then you'd realize how much it kills me inside to look at you, and not be sure. To think of us, and wonder." My breath began to catch. Gods, no. I couldn't cry; not now. I stopped, breathing heavily and waiting until I could safely speak once again. "I'm not doing this just for the fun of it, Shane. If I could change it, believe me, I would. But I don't know right now. I don't know anything. Not you, or us, or even myself."

"Why? What changed? I have a hard time believing Adri's death had anything to do with our relationship."

No. He was right there. It wasn't Adri, it was Professor Greer, and that was terrifying. But I'd been in serious lust for him during our conversation, and hadn't once thought of Shane. And that was something that I needed to figure out. And it wasn't something I could tell Shane without shattering what pieces were left of his heart.

"I can't do this." I pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes. I had to fight to steady my breathing. "I just can't, Shane. I'm sorry. I wish I was strong enough to deal with this, but I'm not. I-- I'll talk to you later."

"When?" His voice was harsh, ragged.

I shook my head. The tears were becoming impossible to fight. "I don't know. Later." I couldn't differentiate his grief from my own now. Both were raw, powerful, overwhelming. I spun and ran, because there was nothing else to do, nowhere else to go. As I ran, the tears fell, burning my cheeks with pain and grief and regret.