allichaton

Yeah, it's about 20 days late, but here it is. I'm getting...rounder...than I like. Not just body, because my body isn't round, it's just kind of plumper than I'd prefer. But my face is getting round again. To the point where I looked in the mirror and didn't see what I expected. I spent over a year losing 40 pounds, and I suspect I'm back where I started. I feel like I'm back where I started. And as far as I'm concerned, that's unacceptable. I can't use Pippin as a crutch anymore, because for the next two quarters, I'm stuck with it, and if I don't learn to deal with it, then I'm screwed.

I'm not going to let it get the better of me. I can do this. Worst comes to worst, salads at every meal would not kill me, even if I have to eat them plain because the only light dressing offered tastes horrid. I do not need to eat 15 points at each meal, and I refuse to eat fifteen points at each meal.

I need to start drinking water instead of soda, too. Middle Earth gave us big 32oz cups when we moved in, and usually I fill mine up before leaving Pippin, and sip from it between meals. It's nice to have something to drink, and I always go with Diet Pepsi, so I'm not getting sugar calories. But I am getting caffeine, which is a diuretic, which results in dehydration. And I haven't been drinking water to replace what I'm losing. Water is essential to weight loss (or at least to Weight Watchers).

I don't know if I'm still subscribed to the Weight Watchers online thing or not. If I'm not, I can deal. I can make a chart for calculating my points in Excel. It may not be quite as convenient, but hey, gaining 40 pounds isn't exactly convenient either, is it?

I need to get my motivation back. I need to stop sitting here thinking, "Oh, it's okay if I have an ice cream today. One ice cream isn't going to hurt that much." Because an ice cream on top of french fries on top of all the greasy shit Pippin serves is going to hurt that much, and dammit, I want to be healthy. I don't like how I am right now, and this is a me thing, not an "I want to look hot so that other people like me" thing. I want to be healthy. Sitting on the computer and going to class and sleeping and eating meals is not healthy, even if I'm not gaining weight. Even if I'm losing weight. I need to exercise.

I need to do more exercise than just walking. I've been avoiding the weight machines at Helm's Deep, because I've only ever seen guys using them. And all my life, I've been self-conscious of sticking out. I don't like attracting attention to myself. If I'm the only girl using weight machines, people are gonna notice. Someone might make a comment about it. That puts me in the position of having to defend myself--which I hate.

But the hell with that. I'd rather people be making comments because I am exercising, than because I'm not. I am not going to be sedentary. I am going to be responsible about what I eat. I am not going to settle for gaining weight, because it's easier than being strict with myself.

This starts Monday. I'm going to stick to the Weight Watcher meal-points plan. It's changed recently, so I'm going to have to bone up on that. But I'm sticking to it.

I'm going to do aerobic exercise 40 minutes a day, five days a week. In 9th grade, I walked to and from school, 20 minutes each way. It was a necessity thing, not an exercise thing. I didn't change my eating habits. I lost weight. Therefore, I'm going to do the same thing now, with the hopes that I'll get similar results.

I am going to figure out the weight machines at Helm's Deep or the ARC. I am not going to let myself skip because "I don't feel like it". I may not feel like exercising, but I don't feel like gaining weight, either.

I am going to use the weight machines at Helm's Deep or the ARC. I think I'll say three times a week for this--don't want to overwork myself.

I am not going to give in and let myself accept the way things are. That's not the way I work. If things aren't the way I want them, I am going to do what's necessary to change them. I am stronger than I have been giving myself credit for. I can do this. I will do this.

Note to self: Twisting into contortionist positions to put tennis shoes on when you know you're having back problems is a Bad Idea.

(Note to world: I am eighteen fucking years old! Why the hell am I having back problems????)

I feel like I'm bloody falling apart, and I hate it. Several times when I was in Dallas, I had really bad headaches. I didn't think much of it, because often I was hungry, and if I ate, I felt better.

I'm still having headaches. BAD headaches. I had a headache literally all day on Thursday, from when I got up to when I went to bed. 800mg of ibuprofen didn't help. A double dose of excedrin migraine didn't help--and that stuff has ALWAYS helped me.

Friday, I didn't have a headache. But my hand and arm was fucked up beyond all belief, to the point where even holding a book open was painful. (This isn't an RSI thing. This is an injury from when I carried two large packages from the housing office back to my dorm, in one hand. Strained a tendon or something in my right hand, that's being slow to heal. It doesn't hurt all the time--mostly it's bad if I try to type when it's cold. Stupid mistake. *sigh*)

Today...no hand trouble. But the headache is back. What the FUCK??? Why can't I just be pain free, dammit?!?!

Gods, I feel like crap. Didn't sleep well at all last night. Kept waking up, too hot, too cold, coughing up phlegm, etc. Back's all cramped up now; guess I slept on it wrong, too. Head's fuzzy, and spinning around like a bloody tilt-a-whirl. Gods, I hate being sick.

*curls up in the corner and whimpers*

Ugghh...this started yesterday, and now it's gotten worse. My throat is killing me. It feels like someone raked the back of my throat with the tines of a fork. And, as Eric said last night, this appears to be a "dormidemic"--a lot of people I know in Shadowfax are getting it, and they're probably where I got it from.

*siiiigh* I'd kill for a throat lozenge right now...

I think it's time for a rant. It's 8:04 in the morning, I didn't get to sleep until about 11 last night, and then I woke up at 5:10 and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm tired. It feels like there's a tiny man with a large sledgehammer inside my head, pounding away at my forehead. I'm having trouble breathing. I'm hacking up a lung, and every time I do, it feels like I'm going to throw up. I'm hungry, I'm shaky, and I can't walk without feeling dizzy and disoriented. And, to top it all off, I'm on my period and having major cramps. I am miserable. I want to curl up into a tiny ball and just sleep until I get better, but I've been sitting and laying for an entire day already, and I'm going stir crazy. I want to move, but I can't without making myself feel even worse. And as if all the body stuff isn't enough, I'm still having panic attacks about CoM and how far behind my expected word count I am.

Could someone just shoot me and put me out of my misery?