God fucking dammit. I am so goddamned fucking pissed I don't even know how to express it. It's just fucking everything It's all the people outside and in the hall who apparently think that "quiet hours" mean "Yell as loud as you BLOODY FUCKING CAN". It's the fact that I've laid in bed for the past forty-fucking-five minutes trying to get to bed, and having no damned luck of it. For a girl who falls asleep at the drop of a hat, that's a goddamned long time. And it's dirty laundry that I'm not going to air because I'm being stupid and selfish and irrational and my mind my be saying, "Fuck all that, you deserve to rant", but I'm not quite infuriated enough to have lost the last ounce of control. I was in a bad mood earlier and I didn't know why, I'm in a worse mood now and I DO know why, but I can't fucking rant about it because I don't want to be hurtful or make people feel guilty or act like my needs are more important than someone else's. But dammit, it's goddamned fucking frustrating and I don't have any fucking outlet for any of it. I can't go yell at the assholes who don't have to get up in the morning and don't care if anyone else does, I can't yell at whatever the fuck it is that's keeping me from being able to fall back asleep, I can't yell and my goddamn bad mood, and I don't want to yell about the dirty laundry. No, that's not correct. I do want to yell about it. I want to go stark raving mad about it, foaming at the mouth, ranting and raving and screaming like a fucking banshee. But I'm not going to, and that's hard, and that only makes the seething bad mood worse.

And to top the whole damned thing off, I'm having waking-nightmares about the damned movie, The Ring. Watched it several weeks ago, didn't bother me until tonight, but suddenly I was laying in bed paralyzed by fear while images of the dead bodies flashing through my mind. (If you've seen the movie, you'll understand why those images are so bone-chillingly terrifying. If you haven't...you'll have to either watch the movie or do an image search on Google. I can't--I'd have to look at the pictures to see if they're the right ones, and the memory of them is horrible enough. I don't need to be reminded about all the horrible details that I missed because I had my face buried in my quilt and only caught a flashing glimpse of it.

I'm tired, I'm pissed, I'm depressed, I'm guilty, and I'm scaring myself to bloody death. I just want to fucking cry, but I can't even do that, because I always feel worse after I cry, and if I do cry, dammit, I want someone on the phone to comfort me. But that goes back to the dirty laundry, and not acting like my needs are more important than someone else's.

MROWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Conversation between me and Dylan:

[we're at Cha for Tea drinking tea, and Dylan and Erin are playing chess. The song with the lyrics "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money" is playing, and Alea is singing along with it.]

Dylan (laughs): You know, I find her singing this so ironic because it's so true.
Me: So you think I'm going out with my boyfriend because of the money in his bank account?
Dylan (considers): I don't really consider you to be a girl.
Me (rofl): What am I, androgynous?
[Dylan ponders this for a moment, then nods.]
Dylan: Yep. That's about right.

I've been dissed. Actually, several of us have. They went to dinner without grabbing us. About...twelve of them. They didn't grab me, they didn't grab Amy, they didn't grab Lizzy, they didn't grab Dylan...

*sigh*

It's midnight...and there's a one-man Broadway revival going on in the room next door... *grin*

Only in college, man. Only in college. *grin*

Oh man, college is weird. Go out on the weekends, and it's dead. I went down to the student center on Saturday, which is about a half-mile walk each way, and can count on both hands the number of people I saw outside of Middle Earth.

Step outside of Middle Earth during the week, however, and it's an adventure. On Friday, I went down to the Student Center. On the way, I got to walk through proselytizers, TAs on strike, girls trying to get me to join their sororities, and guys trying to get me to come to their frat parties. I went down to the student center again today. Just outside of Middle Earth, there were several people using bullhorns, shouting about Prop 54 being Bad, and Evil, and how everyone should vote NO on it, even if they don't usually vote. Didn't bother to tell us what Prop 54 was about, though, which I was disappointed about. Got me interested. Anyway, after the political shouting, there was...some sort of bazaar. I don't know what it was, but I hope it's a frequent thing, because it was cool. Stands set up along either side of Ring Road, people selling all sorts of things, from shoes to purses to wallets to artwork to candles and votive holders, bright colors all over the place, and the smell of incense in the air. Very cool. Very surreal--not the sort of thing I ever would have expected to see walking through a college campus. But very cool. Made me wish I had brought a couple bucks with me--most of the stuff was priced very well.

And now, I'm off to Helm's Deep to try to get my anthro reading done. It's very interesting stuff, it's just slow going. I've got about 30 pages left.

Someone in chat today was showing off pictures of his bedroom, so I got inspired to dig up my webcam and take some pics of my dorm room. :) Figured y'all might like to see where I'm spending the year. ;)

( View pictures )

*sigh*

Just finished my first HumCore homework. Goddammit, this is stuff I would have done as a freshman in high school! Questions like "Draw a diagram showing the family relationships between Antigone, Ismene, Eteocles, Polynices, Oedipus, Jocasta, Creon, Eurydice, and Haemon". And "Tell the fate of these characters at by the end of the play (alive or dead), and how they got that way." This is busy work, and one of the things I hate most in the world. I thought I was done with this when I took AP last year. AP barely had any busy work, and no matter how much I complained about the real work that I had to do, I never once had to complain about assignments that were pointless. One fucking assignment into the class, and it's busywork all over the place.

*snarls*

Just got back from my first day of classes. Humanities Core Lecture was...*shrugs* Not much. The director of the program introduced herself and gave information on the course that I'd already heard before, then the first of the lecturers talked for the rest of the class, but it was just basic, introductory stuff to give the background about the works we're going to be reading while he's lecturing.

Anthro 2A was very very cool. :D The professor is really funny and energetic. He started the class off with a demonstration of how a cultures symbols influences a person's impressions. He started out the class in a black suit with a tie, then while he was talking about these study in psychiatry where a class was given a class evaluation form ten minutes into their first class, and then at the end of the quarter, and the two evaluations were pretty much exactly the same, he took off his jacket and his tie and his white shirt, revealing his olive-green "Rage Against the Machine" t-shirt beneath, and put on a leather jacket, and was talking about how our impression of him when he was wearing the suit, versus if he had started class wearing the t-shirt and leather jacket, would have been completely different. The lecture was basically about symbol systems, what symbols are and how they affect our everyday lives, how they are totally arbitrary and differ between cultures, etc. He seems like a very cool guy.

And in the middle of talking about the class rules regarding cell phones, he said "When you'll read the contract, you'll see that if your cell phone goes off in class, I get to take one percentage point off of your final grade." And *right* as he said "grade", someone's cell phone went off...

He laughed and said "Don't worry, I'm not going to do that now; you didn't know. I'll bet someone out there knows the number of someone in the room, and called them just now, because they thought they would get in trouble. That's mean." He's very funny. :)

After anthro, I had my Humanities Core discussion section, which was...very very boring. She just talked about really basic writing stuff--arguments and premises and conclusions, which I KNOW. That's child's play to me, I spent a year in AP English! So, I'm just a little frustrated by the prospects of that class.

But anthro is way cool. Anthro's going to rock. :D