![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Not good. Not good at all.
Dec. 13th, 2003 12:21 amToday has not been a good day. I got my HumCore essay on Plessy v. Ferguson back, and got another A-, and that was good. Did my HumCore final, which sucked rocks through bar straws, but not because it was difficult, just a royal pain in the ass.
It's the personal shit, though, that's got me sitting here red-eyed from crying and feeling so damned empty inside. I tried to do something for a very good friend of mine yesterday, with the best of intentions, but it backfired. Neither of us could have seen what would happen, I don't think, but backfire it did, and hurt and upset both of us in the process. It wasn't all bad--we worked through some important things that needed to be talked about and worked through. But it was difficult, and it hurt.
I've cried four separate times tonight, one of which was a fit of out-and-out uncontrollable sobbing. Someone very close to me hurt me, and while it wasn't intentional and was sincerely regretted, the pain was still real. Is still real. I understand. I harbor no ill will towards this person for my pain. But wounds take time to heal, even after the injury is done and the stitches in place. It still hurts, the dull, deep, throbbing pain of an old wound.
And on top of it all, threaded through it all and tainting it all, is the fact that I miss Erik with every cell within my body. Gods, I'm so hopelessly in love with him, it's ridiculous. He's my best friend, my confidante. I tell him things I wouldn't dare breathe to anyone else in the world, and I trust him implicitly. I won't be able to see him until April, and it hurts so damn badly. I've spent the majority of the last week falling asleep wrapped around my pillow, wishing I could just hold him. Just hug him. Just cuddle with him. It physically hurts to be so far away from him. My heart aches, a gnawing pain within my chest. I love him more than words could ever express. It's not right that we have the whole of the country between us, separating us. It's not fair. And there's no end in sight.
I feel very hollow right now. My eyes sting from all the crying, and from rubbing them dry afterwards. My heart aches. But my gut just feels...hollow. Empty. Numb. There's something missing, and it makes each day harder than the last. I know what it is. I know who it is, whose absence makes me hurt so much. I wrote in a poem to Erik once, "you hold my heart in your hands", and it's true. He's held it for eleven months now--almost a year, and one of the best years of my life. But when we parted in Dallas, my heart stayed with him. And now I miss them both.
I sound so damned melodramatic. I wish my life weren't filled with melodrama right now. I wish I weren't on such a damned emotional teeter-totter. I wish a lot of things. But mostly, I wish I had my Erikat here with me right now, to hold me and kiss me and remind me that there is beauty and joy and happiness in the world. It's always easier to remember in his arms.
Erik, my darling, my dearest, I love you more than you can ever know. You make the world a wonderful place to live in. Forever. For always. I love you.
It's the personal shit, though, that's got me sitting here red-eyed from crying and feeling so damned empty inside. I tried to do something for a very good friend of mine yesterday, with the best of intentions, but it backfired. Neither of us could have seen what would happen, I don't think, but backfire it did, and hurt and upset both of us in the process. It wasn't all bad--we worked through some important things that needed to be talked about and worked through. But it was difficult, and it hurt.
I've cried four separate times tonight, one of which was a fit of out-and-out uncontrollable sobbing. Someone very close to me hurt me, and while it wasn't intentional and was sincerely regretted, the pain was still real. Is still real. I understand. I harbor no ill will towards this person for my pain. But wounds take time to heal, even after the injury is done and the stitches in place. It still hurts, the dull, deep, throbbing pain of an old wound.
And on top of it all, threaded through it all and tainting it all, is the fact that I miss Erik with every cell within my body. Gods, I'm so hopelessly in love with him, it's ridiculous. He's my best friend, my confidante. I tell him things I wouldn't dare breathe to anyone else in the world, and I trust him implicitly. I won't be able to see him until April, and it hurts so damn badly. I've spent the majority of the last week falling asleep wrapped around my pillow, wishing I could just hold him. Just hug him. Just cuddle with him. It physically hurts to be so far away from him. My heart aches, a gnawing pain within my chest. I love him more than words could ever express. It's not right that we have the whole of the country between us, separating us. It's not fair. And there's no end in sight.
I feel very hollow right now. My eyes sting from all the crying, and from rubbing them dry afterwards. My heart aches. But my gut just feels...hollow. Empty. Numb. There's something missing, and it makes each day harder than the last. I know what it is. I know who it is, whose absence makes me hurt so much. I wrote in a poem to Erik once, "you hold my heart in your hands", and it's true. He's held it for eleven months now--almost a year, and one of the best years of my life. But when we parted in Dallas, my heart stayed with him. And now I miss them both.
I sound so damned melodramatic. I wish my life weren't filled with melodrama right now. I wish I weren't on such a damned emotional teeter-totter. I wish a lot of things. But mostly, I wish I had my Erikat here with me right now, to hold me and kiss me and remind me that there is beauty and joy and happiness in the world. It's always easier to remember in his arms.
Erik, my darling, my dearest, I love you more than you can ever know. You make the world a wonderful place to live in. Forever. For always. I love you.
