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(The first draft of a post I'm going to make to my family blog)

"Family's Guide to Who I Am"

This is a bit of a coming out for me. For a long, long time, only my closest friends online have known the true me. Lately, I've become comfortable enough with who I am that I can be honest to all of my friends online. But only recently have I begun trying to hint to my family about who I truly am. And those timid attempts have largely been met with teases and brush-offs. That upsets me--because I love all of you guys, and it hurts that you don't/can't/won't accept all of who I am. So here it is, a primer on who I am, what I like, what I'm coming from. I don't ask that you understand it, or that you agree with it. But I do ask that you accept it. It's who I am, and all the censure in the world wouldn't be enough to change it.

----

I am goth. Not turning, not considering it. Am. Now before you start expecting me to show up on your doorstep wearing a spiked color and black leather, let me explain that there is more than one type of goth "style". I like antiquity goth. This basically means that I like rich, jewel-toned colors, and old styles of dress. Medieval, renaissance, victorian, etc. I'm exploring the punk goth a little bit, but antiquity is where my heart is.

I know that I've never dressed goth before. This has nothing to do with being goth. Goth is a mentality, not a look. And when you consider that I've never bought my own clothes, it's not hard to understand why I've never dressed goth. Hard to do when your parents/gift-givers aren't. With the formation of my christmas list this year, I tried to get some additions to my wardrobe that more accurately reflect the clothes that I love. And I was met with teasing, "Are you turning goth on me?", and then, when I insinuated that I've been goth for a while, "You weren't goth. You wore jeans and sweatshirts. That's not goth."

See above comment. What I am and what I wear are not analogous. I am goth. It's not going to change. Accept it.

----

I am a writer. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life. This is how I want to earn my living. This is who I AM, first and foremost. I understand that for the vast majority of authors, this is not a lucrative career. I may not be able to own a large, expensive house. I won't make as much money as a doctor or a lawyer, or some other prestigious profession. But I will be happy. No, scratch that. I will be ecstatic. I will be doing what I love. I will love my job. That's more than most people can say of their jobs. I don't need money to be happy.

There are a few things that go along with being a writer. I spend massive amounts of time on the computer. This is a necessity, and it's not something that can be negotiated. In order to write, I have to use a computer. I can write longhand, but it still has to be typed up and added to the rest of the manuscript. In this day of technology, it's a requirement. Perhaps it isn't the greastest for my health--but I would rather be ill and writing, than a perfect specimen of health, and not. I love writing. I can deal with the health complications that come from that. Every job has its hazards. Writing is no exception. I know of them, and I accept them, and that is my choice to make. It's my life, my body, my choice. Please don't try to make that choice for me.

----

Going hand in hand with the writing--I write erotica. Yes, this means the stories tend to focus on sex, but please don't confuse this with porn. It's not sex for the sake of sex. It's the difference between a porn picture of a man, and the David statue. Naked people does not equate to tawdry. Sex does not equate to porn. I write erotica, and I enjoy, and now that I'm eighteen and an adult and legal, I don't have to pretend not to.

Take it or leave it. It may not be your thing. I'm not going to shove my erotica down your throat if it's not what you enjoy reading. You don't have to like it. But you have to accept it. It's who I am and what I like. And considering that many kids my age have children, and even more have had sex, it's a rather harmless way to deal with teenage hormones.

----

I am a geek. This sort of goes hand-in-hand with being a writer. I'm a computer geek. I love computers. I love spending time on the computer. I have met most of my best friends online. I've met the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with online. I'm an internet junkie, and an amateur programmer. Much of my life is on or involved with the computer, and this is not sad. This does not mean I'm deprived. This does not mean I have no life. This is reality; it's how it is.

----

I am an adult. I turned eighteen in November. The law recognizes it. It would be nice if my family did, too. I'm old enough and mature enough to take charge of myself. I'm not "normal", which means some of the decisions I make for myself may not be decisions you agree with. But once again, it's my life, my choice, and I'm the only one who has the right to make them. I don't need rules to structure the formation of who I become. I'm done becoming--I am who I am. And I'm happy with that. Let me be who I am. Let me be in charge of myself. I am an adult, now let me be one.

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allichaton

April 2009

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