allichaton: (HP -- a bit mad - borrowed)
Hello, Universe?

You can stop laughing at me now. I get the point.
allichaton: (Default)
Today is Erik's and my first anniversary. Ye gods. Hard to believe it's been a year already, but it also feels like it's been forever. *boggles* Ah well. I'm thrilled to have shared a year of my life with him, and plan on spending many, many more. :)

And as for the lace...oy. I just spent the afternoon painstakingly pinning seven yards of lace to the hem of two gored skirts I'm finishing up. My hands are cramped. My fingers are killing me. And I used every single one of my 300+ pins. Let me tell you, that stuff is Evil. Blech blech blech. Very beautiful, but from now on, I think I'll limit my lace-trimmed clothing to ones that I don't have to manufacture. Ick ick blech. *shudders violently*
allichaton: (Default)
Today has not been a good day. I got my HumCore essay on Plessy v. Ferguson back, and got another A-, and that was good. Did my HumCore final, which sucked rocks through bar straws, but not because it was difficult, just a royal pain in the ass.

It's the personal shit, though, that's got me sitting here red-eyed from crying and feeling so damned empty inside. I tried to do something for a very good friend of mine yesterday, with the best of intentions, but it backfired. Neither of us could have seen what would happen, I don't think, but backfire it did, and hurt and upset both of us in the process. It wasn't all bad--we worked through some important things that needed to be talked about and worked through. But it was difficult, and it hurt.

I've cried four separate times tonight, one of which was a fit of out-and-out uncontrollable sobbing. Someone very close to me hurt me, and while it wasn't intentional and was sincerely regretted, the pain was still real. Is still real. I understand. I harbor no ill will towards this person for my pain. But wounds take time to heal, even after the injury is done and the stitches in place. It still hurts, the dull, deep, throbbing pain of an old wound.

And on top of it all, threaded through it all and tainting it all, is the fact that I miss Erik with every cell within my body. Gods, I'm so hopelessly in love with him, it's ridiculous. He's my best friend, my confidante. I tell him things I wouldn't dare breathe to anyone else in the world, and I trust him implicitly. I won't be able to see him until April, and it hurts so damn badly. I've spent the majority of the last week falling asleep wrapped around my pillow, wishing I could just hold him. Just hug him. Just cuddle with him. It physically hurts to be so far away from him. My heart aches, a gnawing pain within my chest. I love him more than words could ever express. It's not right that we have the whole of the country between us, separating us. It's not fair. And there's no end in sight.

I feel very hollow right now. My eyes sting from all the crying, and from rubbing them dry afterwards. My heart aches. But my gut just feels...hollow. Empty. Numb. There's something missing, and it makes each day harder than the last. I know what it is. I know who it is, whose absence makes me hurt so much. I wrote in a poem to Erik once, "you hold my heart in your hands", and it's true. He's held it for eleven months now--almost a year, and one of the best years of my life. But when we parted in Dallas, my heart stayed with him. And now I miss them both.

I sound so damned melodramatic. I wish my life weren't filled with melodrama right now. I wish I weren't on such a damned emotional teeter-totter. I wish a lot of things. But mostly, I wish I had my Erikat here with me right now, to hold me and kiss me and remind me that there is beauty and joy and happiness in the world. It's always easier to remember in his arms.

Erik, my darling, my dearest, I love you more than you can ever know. You make the world a wonderful place to live in. Forever. For always. I love you.

Back!

Nov. 18th, 2003 06:12 pm
allichaton: (Default)
And I'm back! Woot, I had SUCH a blast in Dallas! Nonny, Robert, Shay, Vel, Star, Chris, Sil, Pent, Resa, and anyone else I forgot...you guys all rock! Purries! I had so much fun getting to meet you all face-to-face!

I managed to get a whole 161 words written while in Dallas...well, actually, that was on the plane out to Dallas, lol. But I had SO much fun!!! I wish I could have stayed longer. Damn college classes.

Anyway. Nonny and Robert got married, no one got cold feet and ditched the other at the altar (or the pagan equivalent thereof. Ditched someone at the circle?) (just mentioning this because a friend of mine did ask... *snork*). And, I got me a fiance. ^_^ Yup, that's right, Erik proposed, I accepted (big surprise there, huh?) No clue when it'll be--have to get in the same city, or at least the same state first, which could be a while. But I am sooooo damn happy!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D

*boings around the room and bounces off the walls like kitten on speed*

Purries!

Awwwwwwww!

Oct. 23rd, 2003 10:07 pm
allichaton: (Default)
My boyfriend is the sweetest guy in the whole world. I swear to God. We had a bit of a miscommunication last night, I sent him an email detailing how I felt, and he didn't wake up in time to read it before I left for school. So when I came back, he had made this for me:



I printed it out and put it up on my bulletin board. I get so damn teary every time I look at it.

Erik, I love you with all of my heart. Give me some time to figure out how to state it as eloquently as you have, and you'll have a graphic of your own to show off. :)
allichaton: (Default)
God fucking dammit. I am so goddamned fucking pissed I don't even know how to express it. It's just fucking everything It's all the people outside and in the hall who apparently think that "quiet hours" mean "Yell as loud as you BLOODY FUCKING CAN". It's the fact that I've laid in bed for the past forty-fucking-five minutes trying to get to bed, and having no damned luck of it. For a girl who falls asleep at the drop of a hat, that's a goddamned long time. And it's dirty laundry that I'm not going to air because I'm being stupid and selfish and irrational and my mind my be saying, "Fuck all that, you deserve to rant", but I'm not quite infuriated enough to have lost the last ounce of control. I was in a bad mood earlier and I didn't know why, I'm in a worse mood now and I DO know why, but I can't fucking rant about it because I don't want to be hurtful or make people feel guilty or act like my needs are more important than someone else's. But dammit, it's goddamned fucking frustrating and I don't have any fucking outlet for any of it. I can't go yell at the assholes who don't have to get up in the morning and don't care if anyone else does, I can't yell at whatever the fuck it is that's keeping me from being able to fall back asleep, I can't yell and my goddamn bad mood, and I don't want to yell about the dirty laundry. No, that's not correct. I do want to yell about it. I want to go stark raving mad about it, foaming at the mouth, ranting and raving and screaming like a fucking banshee. But I'm not going to, and that's hard, and that only makes the seething bad mood worse.

And to top the whole damned thing off, I'm having waking-nightmares about the damned movie, The Ring. Watched it several weeks ago, didn't bother me until tonight, but suddenly I was laying in bed paralyzed by fear while images of the dead bodies flashing through my mind. (If you've seen the movie, you'll understand why those images are so bone-chillingly terrifying. If you haven't...you'll have to either watch the movie or do an image search on Google. I can't--I'd have to look at the pictures to see if they're the right ones, and the memory of them is horrible enough. I don't need to be reminded about all the horrible details that I missed because I had my face buried in my quilt and only caught a flashing glimpse of it.

I'm tired, I'm pissed, I'm depressed, I'm guilty, and I'm scaring myself to bloody death. I just want to fucking cry, but I can't even do that, because I always feel worse after I cry, and if I do cry, dammit, I want someone on the phone to comfort me. But that goes back to the dirty laundry, and not acting like my needs are more important than someone else's.

MROWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
allichaton: (Default)
Yikes, we almost forgot! *thunks her forehead*

Anyway. I would just like to say something to my wonderful Erikat. :)

view )
allichaton: (Default)
"Sigh" just about sums up how I feel right now...or maybe "very heavy sigh"...Sick, miserable, cramping, and having just discovered that I have apparently lost any ability I may have once had to communicate myself properly. Or maybe I've never been able to, and have just been stumbling along all my life managing through luck and good timing not to end up in too many huge blowups spawned by some misunderstanding or another...

Gods, I hate feeling this way. I'm glum and depressed and feeling very dark, and that's not me. I'm supposed to be optimistic, dammit. Where the hell has my optimism gone?

The frustrating thing is, I *know* where its gone. I *know* why I'm so fucking upset. And I can't do a damn thing about it, because every time I try to, I end up getting in an argument with the person I care about the most.

*snarls and resists the urge to start swearing a blue streak*

ihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethis
allichaton: (Default)
Damn. Damn, damn, damn. Just been talking to Jon, and he's been "thinking about our relationship". What does he mean by that? And I wish he would stop dropping out of chat right after saying things like that, so we can talk about them. And--I just realized I gave Jon my blog URL, so he may read this, but oh well. I'd've said the same thing (well, maybe not the 'damns' :) ) to him if he'd stayed. And I feel bad that it's depressing him again. He's my friend; I don't want him to be depressed. Especially not because of something involving me. And...if he's depressed because he wants more, I wish he'd tell me. I've been thinking, and I think my ideas about dating and stuff are too romanticized. I realized that whenever I thought about going out with someone, I would think something along the lines of "No, I don't like him like that." But isn't that the whole point of dating? To find out if you'll like someone like that? So... I don't know. This is all awfully confusing, and sometimes I wish it would all go away, but it can't, and I just have to keep reminding myself that everyone goes through stuff like this at one time or another. And I'm grateful for Jon's friendship, and I'll never, ever do anything to risk losing. I don't know what that means, 'cause usually people say that when they're about to say that's why they're not going to go out with one of their friends, but...hell, I'm confused. And I need to write. Bleh. My head's all muddled.

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allichaton

April 2009

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