Jan. 18th, 2004 01:25 am
allichaton: (Default)
Yeah, it's about 20 days late, but here it is. I'm getting...rounder...than I like. Not just body, because my body isn't round, it's just kind of plumper than I'd prefer. But my face is getting round again. To the point where I looked in the mirror and didn't see what I expected. I spent over a year losing 40 pounds, and I suspect I'm back where I started. I feel like I'm back where I started. And as far as I'm concerned, that's unacceptable. I can't use Pippin as a crutch anymore, because for the next two quarters, I'm stuck with it, and if I don't learn to deal with it, then I'm screwed.

I'm not going to let it get the better of me. I can do this. Worst comes to worst, salads at every meal would not kill me, even if I have to eat them plain because the only light dressing offered tastes horrid. I do not need to eat 15 points at each meal, and I refuse to eat fifteen points at each meal.

I need to start drinking water instead of soda, too. Middle Earth gave us big 32oz cups when we moved in, and usually I fill mine up before leaving Pippin, and sip from it between meals. It's nice to have something to drink, and I always go with Diet Pepsi, so I'm not getting sugar calories. But I am getting caffeine, which is a diuretic, which results in dehydration. And I haven't been drinking water to replace what I'm losing. Water is essential to weight loss (or at least to Weight Watchers).

I don't know if I'm still subscribed to the Weight Watchers online thing or not. If I'm not, I can deal. I can make a chart for calculating my points in Excel. It may not be quite as convenient, but hey, gaining 40 pounds isn't exactly convenient either, is it?

I need to get my motivation back. I need to stop sitting here thinking, "Oh, it's okay if I have an ice cream today. One ice cream isn't going to hurt that much." Because an ice cream on top of french fries on top of all the greasy shit Pippin serves is going to hurt that much, and dammit, I want to be healthy. I don't like how I am right now, and this is a me thing, not an "I want to look hot so that other people like me" thing. I want to be healthy. Sitting on the computer and going to class and sleeping and eating meals is not healthy, even if I'm not gaining weight. Even if I'm losing weight. I need to exercise.

I need to do more exercise than just walking. I've been avoiding the weight machines at Helm's Deep, because I've only ever seen guys using them. And all my life, I've been self-conscious of sticking out. I don't like attracting attention to myself. If I'm the only girl using weight machines, people are gonna notice. Someone might make a comment about it. That puts me in the position of having to defend myself--which I hate.

But the hell with that. I'd rather people be making comments because I am exercising, than because I'm not. I am not going to be sedentary. I am going to be responsible about what I eat. I am not going to settle for gaining weight, because it's easier than being strict with myself.

This starts Monday. I'm going to stick to the Weight Watcher meal-points plan. It's changed recently, so I'm going to have to bone up on that. But I'm sticking to it.

I'm going to do aerobic exercise 40 minutes a day, five days a week. In 9th grade, I walked to and from school, 20 minutes each way. It was a necessity thing, not an exercise thing. I didn't change my eating habits. I lost weight. Therefore, I'm going to do the same thing now, with the hopes that I'll get similar results.

I am going to figure out the weight machines at Helm's Deep or the ARC. I am not going to let myself skip because "I don't feel like it". I may not feel like exercising, but I don't feel like gaining weight, either.

I am going to use the weight machines at Helm's Deep or the ARC. I think I'll say three times a week for this--don't want to overwork myself.

I am not going to give in and let myself accept the way things are. That's not the way I work. If things aren't the way I want them, I am going to do what's necessary to change them. I am stronger than I have been giving myself credit for. I can do this. I will do this.
allichaton: (Default)
Today is Erik's and my first anniversary. Ye gods. Hard to believe it's been a year already, but it also feels like it's been forever. *boggles* Ah well. I'm thrilled to have shared a year of my life with him, and plan on spending many, many more. :)

And as for the lace...oy. I just spent the afternoon painstakingly pinning seven yards of lace to the hem of two gored skirts I'm finishing up. My hands are cramped. My fingers are killing me. And I used every single one of my 300+ pins. Let me tell you, that stuff is Evil. Blech blech blech. Very beautiful, but from now on, I think I'll limit my lace-trimmed clothing to ones that I don't have to manufacture. Ick ick blech. *shudders violently*
allichaton: (Default)
Today has not been a good day. I got my HumCore essay on Plessy v. Ferguson back, and got another A-, and that was good. Did my HumCore final, which sucked rocks through bar straws, but not because it was difficult, just a royal pain in the ass.

It's the personal shit, though, that's got me sitting here red-eyed from crying and feeling so damned empty inside. I tried to do something for a very good friend of mine yesterday, with the best of intentions, but it backfired. Neither of us could have seen what would happen, I don't think, but backfire it did, and hurt and upset both of us in the process. It wasn't all bad--we worked through some important things that needed to be talked about and worked through. But it was difficult, and it hurt.

I've cried four separate times tonight, one of which was a fit of out-and-out uncontrollable sobbing. Someone very close to me hurt me, and while it wasn't intentional and was sincerely regretted, the pain was still real. Is still real. I understand. I harbor no ill will towards this person for my pain. But wounds take time to heal, even after the injury is done and the stitches in place. It still hurts, the dull, deep, throbbing pain of an old wound.

And on top of it all, threaded through it all and tainting it all, is the fact that I miss Erik with every cell within my body. Gods, I'm so hopelessly in love with him, it's ridiculous. He's my best friend, my confidante. I tell him things I wouldn't dare breathe to anyone else in the world, and I trust him implicitly. I won't be able to see him until April, and it hurts so damn badly. I've spent the majority of the last week falling asleep wrapped around my pillow, wishing I could just hold him. Just hug him. Just cuddle with him. It physically hurts to be so far away from him. My heart aches, a gnawing pain within my chest. I love him more than words could ever express. It's not right that we have the whole of the country between us, separating us. It's not fair. And there's no end in sight.

I feel very hollow right now. My eyes sting from all the crying, and from rubbing them dry afterwards. My heart aches. But my gut just feels...hollow. Empty. Numb. There's something missing, and it makes each day harder than the last. I know what it is. I know who it is, whose absence makes me hurt so much. I wrote in a poem to Erik once, "you hold my heart in your hands", and it's true. He's held it for eleven months now--almost a year, and one of the best years of my life. But when we parted in Dallas, my heart stayed with him. And now I miss them both.

I sound so damned melodramatic. I wish my life weren't filled with melodrama right now. I wish I weren't on such a damned emotional teeter-totter. I wish a lot of things. But mostly, I wish I had my Erikat here with me right now, to hold me and kiss me and remind me that there is beauty and joy and happiness in the world. It's always easier to remember in his arms.

Erik, my darling, my dearest, I love you more than you can ever know. You make the world a wonderful place to live in. Forever. For always. I love you.
allichaton: (Default)
Mom hemmed my dress from the handfasting last night, so I can now wear it without tripping all over the place like Nonny. (*g*). So after I took my shower this morning, I decided to put it on, because it's muuuuch more comfortable than my jeans, and dammit if I'm going to spend an hour and a half on a budget cheapie plane, I want to me comfortable while I'm doing it.

I'm dressed pretty much the same way I was at the handfasting--black dress with rope tie, hair clipped up in a half-french-twist. Only don't have the heeled sandals (I'm barefoot atm ^_^) or the same necklace/earrings I wore. And I was really happy when I came downstairs after getting dressed. Wasn't sure why, but I was really happy. Felt much lighter.

I just realized it a few minutes ago. I feel like myself. I decided to wear what I like and the hell with the comments other people might make, and I'm being myself because I like myself, not hiding who I want to be because it's easier.

And I'm comfortable, with my clothes and with myself, and I'm very very happy. :):):)


allichaton: (Default)

April 2009



RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 23rd, 2017 08:07 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios